The Ugly Cry 
Tragically, the Ugly Cry firsthand.It ain’t pretty, man. That’s why it’s called ugly.
You know the cry. Just plain ol’ ugly. Tears streaming, lips quivering, slobber potential in between monster gasps of woe. You might as well just scream, I have crohns and estrogen ! Hear my whine!
Oh, we hate the Ugly Cry. Oh, my GOD. The times we turn around later and go,
You know the cry. Just plain ol’ ugly. Tears streaming, lips quivering, slobber potential in between monster gasps of woe. You might as well just scream, I have crohns and estrogen ! Hear my whine!
Oh, we hate the Ugly Cry. Oh, my GOD. The times we turn around later and go,
“What the fuck is wrong with me?’ I’m three sobs away from needing an industrial hanky, but zero sobs away from a complete loss of no direction. How wrong is this? Where in the hell is my brain? Is there no override button for this shit?!
Almost every chick’s done this thing. It comes up at the stupidest times. Every time we try to get a grasp, we realize again, “Oh, I’m such a loser! Ugly crying!” and on with the waterworks and gulpfest. Afterwards, it’s just a humiliating realization that, “yes, I really, really am that weak.”
Oh, sure, let’s call it some euphemistic maxim, like, “in touch with my emotions.”
Almost every chick’s done this thing. It comes up at the stupidest times. Every time we try to get a grasp, we realize again, “Oh, I’m such a loser! Ugly crying!” and on with the waterworks and gulpfest. Afterwards, it’s just a humiliating realization that, “yes, I really, really am that weak.”
Oh, sure, let’s call it some euphemistic maxim, like, “in touch with my emotions.”
Sure, that almost makes me feel like something less of a fraud. Normally, I try to repress my emotions. I don’t want to be in touch with them, and shit, man. I’m more the type where I just shuffle around and grunt a little, I think about things, develop great reasoning for my emotions, what have you, and then, I cry.
Yada, fucking yada. Like any of it matters. By the end of it, I'm so exhausted with my all-out crazy-ass world of sickness that I soften or completely bristle, and either way, things don’t progress as they should. I try and prep myself for my days of emtional torture " just rest your pretty head.”
What’s really lame is life’s challenges, but then I talk on a deeper level, where I’m just being honest with " myself ", and whomp ! There it is. The Ugly Cry.
I know that my “Ugly Cry” tends to come out most often when I’m upset about something with someone , I genuinely care about , I cry without reason or there's to many to think there's just one reason , or someone with whom I’ve got an issue but with whom also I feel a pretty solid connection with , or my struggles with my disease and all the Tag's your it , Jade. It doesn’t make it any easier, it still is something that’s been hurting enough to produce that reaction, or it’s one of those moments where I feel safe enough to really let ALL of my shit go.
I had an Ugly Cry yesterday and today , and ALL the shit I’d been feeling all rolled into one bad session of expressing how I felt. Man, it got heavy ‘cos I just couldn’t shake the Ugly Cry. There it loomed, on my shoulder, the entire fucking night. I feel so helpless and trapped , I have many emotions and yes Im dramatic , never intentional. I can't get it together, and then I feel more frustrated about my lack of control.
You know, I think the Ugly Cry sometimes is actually that negative-but-positive sign about crohns strengths sometimes.I get so overwhelmed in my own presence and I think that it’s my job to fix it somehow.
Next time you boys are sitting there face-to-face with an Ugly Cry, just keep it together and remember, it’s a sign that your kinda sorta similar to me. Just like a seagull shitting on you means luck, it’s all good, boys.
Yada, fucking yada. Like any of it matters. By the end of it, I'm so exhausted with my all-out crazy-ass world of sickness that I soften or completely bristle, and either way, things don’t progress as they should. I try and prep myself for my days of emtional torture " just rest your pretty head.”
What’s really lame is life’s challenges, but then I talk on a deeper level, where I’m just being honest with " myself ", and whomp ! There it is. The Ugly Cry.
I know that my “Ugly Cry” tends to come out most often when I’m upset about something with someone , I genuinely care about , I cry without reason or there's to many to think there's just one reason , or someone with whom I’ve got an issue but with whom also I feel a pretty solid connection with , or my struggles with my disease and all the Tag's your it , Jade. It doesn’t make it any easier, it still is something that’s been hurting enough to produce that reaction, or it’s one of those moments where I feel safe enough to really let ALL of my shit go.
I had an Ugly Cry yesterday and today , and ALL the shit I’d been feeling all rolled into one bad session of expressing how I felt. Man, it got heavy ‘cos I just couldn’t shake the Ugly Cry. There it loomed, on my shoulder, the entire fucking night. I feel so helpless and trapped , I have many emotions and yes Im dramatic , never intentional. I can't get it together, and then I feel more frustrated about my lack of control.
You know, I think the Ugly Cry sometimes is actually that negative-but-positive sign about crohns strengths sometimes.I get so overwhelmed in my own presence and I think that it’s my job to fix it somehow.
Next time you boys are sitting there face-to-face with an Ugly Cry, just keep it together and remember, it’s a sign that your kinda sorta similar to me. Just like a seagull shitting on you means luck, it’s all good, boys.
(Oh, and the hate in me belongs to my disease !! Fuckin' sue me. I'd like to bitch-slap my crohns, but it's gone back in hiding again. Sigh.)
~ Jadee ~
