To my special friend , his name is John ~
" One of the many letter's I've scribbled to him"
I know you love her , I don't know much but I do know that Love is a never ending feeling. Remember - live so you don't look back and regret that you've wasted anymore time in your love life. You ain't got time for a bleeding heart. When the time is right and the wheel of life allows you to spin it , thats when you have passed the tests we we're sent to earth to learn. We are all allowed to shed our love the way a cocoon encloses the future butterfly , when the time is right ~ we let go !! Then we are free of pain , free of confusion , free of the love we fear , free is beautiful and you'll never be alone. Love is like a butterfly ... hold it too tight and it'll crush , hold it too loose and it will fly away.
I've been in love once , one , 1 !! Pretty fukin intense and truthfully .. let me tell you , even with all the mayonaise in the world you can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit , just , true. I was love struck and by the way sex is not an emergency - took me yrs. to figure that out. Pathetic wasn't what i was shooting for in my childhood dreams , I had to get out of the closet , go outside , have a mental breakdown , run like a wild child and find myself ..oOoO " that took 3 yrs. before I was willing." My head was mixed up, my heart was damaged and my best friend was , myself. Cold turkey sucks , but it was the fastest route to my recovery. I was in love with a poisonious man , I was numb ! Every day I was eatting denial by the bowlful , devalueing myself severely and I allowed this. Holy shit .. I was tearing myself down.
I'll share much more with you about my sickness in love.
I'm not going to make you feel wrong for doing what a husband should be doing , loving his wife !! But ... if you want to live an emotionally healthy and happy life you have to know how to handle the hurts and confusion that your facing. Its a fucked up twist to love , and its unreasonable.
What can I do , i'm willing to be you'r friend and listen , I also want to ease some of you'r confusion and hurting. I'm just that kind of friend , even if we just recently started talking ~ you've been hurt and your confused which makes me step up too that narrow ledge. I want you to feel the sun from both sides.
How in the love of god can you help your wife and make something positive between the 2 of you? Its almost impossible. You won't convince me you done anything to fall on your face "again" .. You have not complicated anytyhing in your marriage.
I will back your play .... no matter what happens, I am now your friend... regardless. What makes your heart and soul sing is what will make me happy for you. I'd love to see you have alot less hurt. So please know I am here anytime.
So.. now let me say i'm proud of you John , your a strong hearted man , you'r optimistic , your dedicated and supportive , your a good man.I give you a high 5. Its always mastering work to create a love nest and then some how the essential needs are slightly unconnected , I really give you Hope cause thats the main ingredient in life.
You'r wife needs emotional therapy , a kick in his ass , and a wake up call. Words left unspoken by her can not now be changed after 2 1/2 yrs. an error like that can't be undone. Time and respect are two precious things , the words we use are tools to build. None of us are perfect , but there's always a way to communicate , theres a path to wisdom and practice is mandatory.
On another note , you've been a successful man - from the email you wrote to me , you've touched some lives in special ways and i honor you without another word said. It's kind ! Continue on as you have ..
I believe in you.
I'm , laughing ..I can't rememeber if you asked me Q's in the email , if you did I will write to answer you. I had a long night at work and i'm hungry..maybe I should feed this grumpy gut of mine.
Are you feeling well , are you releasing some of you'r stress? You know you can talk to me ..I have opened up the oppurtunity in the box and use me when you need. Oh , sometimes words come out meaning many things , but you know what i mean.
Jade ~
Reply back from John ,
Jade,
OK… I’m up to 2,973 times that I’ve read this email. It may take me years to get to 10K, but, each time I read anew, your email continues to comfort in a way that nothing nor no one has before. I read your words and it’s like, I can close my eyes, take a deep breath… and feel at peace.
I know I’m taking your emails out of sequence, but, I just wanted you to know that each one you’ve sent, is filling another part of me that’s been empty for a very long time.
It saddens me to think that your one and only “love” experience, turned out to hurt you. It’s not supposed to be that way. Love’s not supposed to hurt that way. Unfortunately, it happens more often than not.
I have no idea of what your first love was all about, but, if my experience has shown me anything, it’s that we often fall in love with the idea, first and foremost. We fall in love with the person that initially translates all that we are (sometimes rebellious, sometimes subdued, sometimes dangerous, often times mysterious) and believe that this other being (our object of desire) must be our “one and only,” our chosen one so to speak. Only to find out later, that, they are just human, and we needed our significant other to be more than that. (OK, that’s my asshole side speaking out. ‘Guess I still have issues to work out).
I took vows with Mireya, and even though they are null and void by her actions (they became that way, when she told me she had been with other men since she left two and a half years ago), I still feel like I have to fulfill an obligation to help her. Not as a husband, but, as someone who promised he would. Am I wrong?
I just want to know that she is on the road to real recovery. I feel like I’m the only person capable of pointing her in that direction. Not for the sake of a marriage long gone,… not for the hope of rekindling a love that may never have existed, but because I vowed I would. I am a man of my word. My word, my vows, may have been whittled down to a fraction of what I had intended by actions beyond my control, but, there is still a fraction left that I can still honor.
Corazon, to tell you that you have shown me more love in our correspondences than I’ve gotten in all the time I’ve been involved with Mireya, and to think that this love is coming from a total stranger… is both pleasure and pain for me. The pain is my trying to figure out, why have I been unable to meet someone like you before? The pleasure is obvious (at least to me).
My heart is hurting for Mireya. My soul is looking up, because out of nowhere, here you are encouraging me, standing by me and my decisions,… my friend (!), and yet, we are strangers.
It’s times like this that I turn to a higher source for guidance. The response I’ve gotten sounds like, “you may be strangers, but… you are kindred.” I guess that means we share one heart. I could be wrong about that, but it feels right saying it.
I can’t help but think, how sad, and how much it must’ve hurt you, to have only been in love but one time. You deserve so much more.
On that I will say, “Goodnight Corazon.”
The sweetest of dreams to you.
